I'm stingy with the word "friend." For me it has always held, deep in its beating heart, a certain level of commitment, a willingness to make time and space. But maybe I'm missing the point.
This was beautifully wrought, Maia. I am sorry for the loss of Shannon, and grateful for the thought you put into talking about the many nuances of friendship!
I've been sitting with this for a few days because it is a beautiful and important question and conversation. I'm so sorry for your loss and your heartache, Maia. Clearly, you had a meaningful relationship with Shannon that deepened your conversations, and her death has opened an opportunity for you to share them and expand your thinking and feeling about friendship. I have struggled with many of the same experiences readers have commented on here. Friends come and go as we move through life. I do believe true, healthy friendship is reciprocal, but not necessarily equal in how it is expressed. I have moved many times, so friends are geographically scattered, which makes it harder to maintain relationships in the same way as when they are nearby. But there are a few close friends who I know I can count on to come and be with me if ever I needed them here. Those are the people I consider my forever friends. Others were more important to me for the time in my life when I was near them. But the deepest, truest friends are those whom I can expose my most vulnerable self to and still count on them to support me in the way they feel is right - and I would do the same for them. I can count those friends on one hand. Friends allow you to be yourself and help you understand the world with deep conversation. So Shannon was a friend in that regard, I think. Friendship requires work and nurturing on both sides, just like marriage or any good relationship. It's active, not passive. Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts and for asking questions to help us think more deeply about life.
"Friendship is active, not passive." It's a verb. It's something we do. AND.... we all do it differently. This also feels true "healthy friendship is reciprocal, but not necessarily equal in how it is expressed."
Thanks for being here and being part of this conversation. xx
My husband and I talk often about relationships and how they are expressed between people. We both feel that while all relationships are reciprocal, they should not be transactional. He has a friend who insists on "repaying" him after Keith does something spontaneous like bring him some homebrewed beer. They've had to have deep conversations to understand how to be friends without the "I'll pay you back somehow" attitude. I think HOW we are friends is different with different people, but conversation about what makes your friendship work is important.
Isn’t it interesting that while friendships and other relationships are so foundational to our happiness, we rarely discuss the intricacies of them? I think humans have this (false) idea that if someone *really, truly* loves us, then we don’t have to talk about the relationship. Like not discussing it becomes a measure of the quality of the friendship. It’s kind of a weird, fairytale idea. To my mind, it should be exactly the reverse: a deep, rich, friendship is fertile ground for discussing everything safely— including friendship and relationships.
I think the definition and meaning of friends and friendship is something that isn't talked about enough. I can say that I've felt more heartbroken by some friends than I have from some of the romantic relationships I've been in. I've always been more of a ride-or-die girl, when it comes to friendships. I think that isn't always appreciated and, with lots of time and humility and reflection, I wonder if it has come off in a way that felt overbearing. I suppose I will never know. But when I love someone, it's an all-in situation. I don't bandy around the word.
In it's most child-like form, I suppose I just quantify my friendships as saying "this is my best friend" and then realizing I have like, eight. Not grammatically accurate, but I suppose it gets the point across in a very basic way?
Ohhhhh.... I just had a little revelation reading this! I think we quantify-- "best" friend-- because we don't have a number of words to describe friendship. Like we don't have a word to describe the neighbor who you know you can count on to take out your trash when you're out of town, someone you occasionally have tea or garden with, but who doesn't quite get you. You like her, but you know better than to share your deepest secrets. What's the word for that person? So to distinguish her from the person you will tell everything to, who can almost read your mind, we need to quantify-- "best friend."
I've always resisted "best" friend because it feels like a rating scale... but (and this might be obvious to everyone else here), I suddenly get why we express it that way. I think I'd prefer it to work the other way-- if we had a different word-- like "fruzy" or something--for the lovely neighbor. Then all those people who are your soul mates can be "friends" and the word friend can have a deep, resonant meaning and not be sometimes almost synonymous with acquaintance.
(Yes, I would just like to change the whole English language, please!)
lol YES!!! It's exactly this. We just don't have adequate language to express the nuances of the entire breadth and depth of friendship and the many ways each relationship varies. The distinguisher "best" feels a little juvenile and yes, like a rating scale. And at the same time, I'm still adrift at what to call the friend who picked me up off the literal sidewalk after my heart was shattered.
Sky always cringes when I introduce him as the "love of my life", but "partner-in-crime" also doesn't feel accurate.
So I agree, let's just dump the English language and start fresh, shall we?
I recently read somewhere that friendships are like passengers on a train, coming on and getting off at different stops in our life. Sometimes we get off together, sometimes we stay for the whole journey, and other times our friend reaches their stop and leaves us before we are ready.
I like to believe everyone who joins us on the train has something to teach us if we allow it to be so...which is a beautiful thought of seeing all those we've shared the journey with thus far. I too struggle with defining friendship. My own lack of finding a way to be the friend my heart desires often leaves me feeling badly which then results in me doing less...just being....allowing what comes....and letting what goes....with a sense of curiosity rather than trying to understand it. Instead of trying so hard these days, I've tried to just "flow" as Shannon described, but now upon reading how that can come across to others, it makes me question this approach.
I tink this is a really important conversation to hold. It might be another lost art in our current society due to many things, but I know I felt this deeply when reading your words about Shannon and how you both discussed friendship. Maybe not having enough time, energy, or role models keep us struggling to being better at friendship? Social media? A fear to discuss? Not knowing?
In anycase...you and Shannon sharing this experience is something I encourage you both to continue exploring...I am thinking it could benefit many.
I so love the train analogy. It really is perfect. Especially since Shannon has stepped off.... there won't be any more conversations about friendship or anything else. So it's up to those of us who are still here, still breathing and talking and riding, to keep working our way through these questions. I think Shannon would like knowing that was happening. That the conversations she started are being continued by others.
I’ve been hearing her laughter too. Your book, “The Illustrated Herbiary”, sits on my nightstand at her recommendation however many years ago that was. She spoke so very highly of you 💕
So glad that Shannon is fine ❤️ and sorry for the loss of your other Shannon. Happy Witch Shannon has such a light - we are not friends and have not had any contact since years ago at Witch Camp but I am glad that I met her. Some people only pass through your life for a few moments but you feel the love.
The finality of death is so difficult to deal with. It’s so hard to put into words the feelings. Pain and sadness but also joy for having had that person in your life. Keeping with you the all the conversations and the love you had for one another will always keep them alive in a way. The hurt never goes away, it just dulls a bit over time. Anything I say feels so inadequate. I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
Begin able to write this post-- to keep our conversations about friendship alive-- actually helped a lot and gave me even more clarity... like if the conversation is continuing then so is the friendship.
I have been (for the past few years) so grateful Shannon and I explored this topic... I hadn't really thought about it since high school/college and was working off some outdated ideas.
I hope your memories with and of Shannon help comfort you in this season of grief ❤️ Thank you for sharing these raw emotions with us. What a treasure, the conversations you two had.
Oh, Maia, I am so very sorry that you lost Shannon. Friendship is a tricky thing sometimes. My best friend, who is like a sister to me, rarely calls. She's just not one to do that. It used to bother me that I was the one who made the calls, but we would get together when we could and she always made time for me when I called. Then twice in the last 2 years I was hospitalized and my friend came and stayed with my mother. Mom lives with me and cannot be alone, for a variety of reasons. My dear friend drove for more than an hour and spent a couple of weeks here each time to take care of my mom and to take care of me. After she left other friends drove me to appointments until I was able to drive. I don't know where I'd be without them, especially my sister of the heart.
That people express love in a myriad of ways has been one of the biggest lessons of my adulthood. I keep thinking about that book Love Languages (which I never actually read!) and the idea that we express love and give love in so many different ways. It's hard not to demand that someone love you in the exact way you express love to them. You are so lucky to have a sister-friend who shows up for you in this way.
There are no words for loss are there? At least no words that seem to actually mean anything in the moment. I’m so sorry for your loss and grief and all the energy that goes into the grieving and our human ‘trying to find an answer’ to what we can’t know.
If I ‘had’ to say one thing that means the most to me in any friendship, be that human or other beings, I would say reciprocity. I don’t need or want any person to change who they are in their essence, rather I want to embrace them as they are in their truest self and if I’m honored to be welcomed into that sacred space I owe that honor reciprocity.
This! I have been grappling with the word reciprocity in friendships and how I and others have shown up. My perspective is that I do so much of the planning and arranging in friendships and it’s exhausting. As I step away to examine the relationships some of these friendships have died away and there is grief there. But I also notice how I show up in friendships dabbling in and out because sometimes it’s hard to manage friends and the demands of life. Moving forward with awareness and seeking reciprocity in the relationships in my life but also understanding everyone has their own way of showing up in the world.
This was beautifully wrought, Maia. I am sorry for the loss of Shannon, and grateful for the thought you put into talking about the many nuances of friendship!
Thanks Kate. I’m fascinated with how we do (and don’t) relate to each other… Connection is complicated.
Agreed!
I've been sitting with this for a few days because it is a beautiful and important question and conversation. I'm so sorry for your loss and your heartache, Maia. Clearly, you had a meaningful relationship with Shannon that deepened your conversations, and her death has opened an opportunity for you to share them and expand your thinking and feeling about friendship. I have struggled with many of the same experiences readers have commented on here. Friends come and go as we move through life. I do believe true, healthy friendship is reciprocal, but not necessarily equal in how it is expressed. I have moved many times, so friends are geographically scattered, which makes it harder to maintain relationships in the same way as when they are nearby. But there are a few close friends who I know I can count on to come and be with me if ever I needed them here. Those are the people I consider my forever friends. Others were more important to me for the time in my life when I was near them. But the deepest, truest friends are those whom I can expose my most vulnerable self to and still count on them to support me in the way they feel is right - and I would do the same for them. I can count those friends on one hand. Friends allow you to be yourself and help you understand the world with deep conversation. So Shannon was a friend in that regard, I think. Friendship requires work and nurturing on both sides, just like marriage or any good relationship. It's active, not passive. Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts and for asking questions to help us think more deeply about life.
"Friendship is active, not passive." It's a verb. It's something we do. AND.... we all do it differently. This also feels true "healthy friendship is reciprocal, but not necessarily equal in how it is expressed."
Thanks for being here and being part of this conversation. xx
My husband and I talk often about relationships and how they are expressed between people. We both feel that while all relationships are reciprocal, they should not be transactional. He has a friend who insists on "repaying" him after Keith does something spontaneous like bring him some homebrewed beer. They've had to have deep conversations to understand how to be friends without the "I'll pay you back somehow" attitude. I think HOW we are friends is different with different people, but conversation about what makes your friendship work is important.
Isn’t it interesting that while friendships and other relationships are so foundational to our happiness, we rarely discuss the intricacies of them? I think humans have this (false) idea that if someone *really, truly* loves us, then we don’t have to talk about the relationship. Like not discussing it becomes a measure of the quality of the friendship. It’s kind of a weird, fairytale idea. To my mind, it should be exactly the reverse: a deep, rich, friendship is fertile ground for discussing everything safely— including friendship and relationships.
I agree, Maia.
I think the definition and meaning of friends and friendship is something that isn't talked about enough. I can say that I've felt more heartbroken by some friends than I have from some of the romantic relationships I've been in. I've always been more of a ride-or-die girl, when it comes to friendships. I think that isn't always appreciated and, with lots of time and humility and reflection, I wonder if it has come off in a way that felt overbearing. I suppose I will never know. But when I love someone, it's an all-in situation. I don't bandy around the word.
In it's most child-like form, I suppose I just quantify my friendships as saying "this is my best friend" and then realizing I have like, eight. Not grammatically accurate, but I suppose it gets the point across in a very basic way?
Ohhhhh.... I just had a little revelation reading this! I think we quantify-- "best" friend-- because we don't have a number of words to describe friendship. Like we don't have a word to describe the neighbor who you know you can count on to take out your trash when you're out of town, someone you occasionally have tea or garden with, but who doesn't quite get you. You like her, but you know better than to share your deepest secrets. What's the word for that person? So to distinguish her from the person you will tell everything to, who can almost read your mind, we need to quantify-- "best friend."
I've always resisted "best" friend because it feels like a rating scale... but (and this might be obvious to everyone else here), I suddenly get why we express it that way. I think I'd prefer it to work the other way-- if we had a different word-- like "fruzy" or something--for the lovely neighbor. Then all those people who are your soul mates can be "friends" and the word friend can have a deep, resonant meaning and not be sometimes almost synonymous with acquaintance.
(Yes, I would just like to change the whole English language, please!)
lol YES!!! It's exactly this. We just don't have adequate language to express the nuances of the entire breadth and depth of friendship and the many ways each relationship varies. The distinguisher "best" feels a little juvenile and yes, like a rating scale. And at the same time, I'm still adrift at what to call the friend who picked me up off the literal sidewalk after my heart was shattered.
Sky always cringes when I introduce him as the "love of my life", but "partner-in-crime" also doesn't feel accurate.
So I agree, let's just dump the English language and start fresh, shall we?
That’s a lot of words we’re gonna have to make up!🤣
I recently read somewhere that friendships are like passengers on a train, coming on and getting off at different stops in our life. Sometimes we get off together, sometimes we stay for the whole journey, and other times our friend reaches their stop and leaves us before we are ready.
I like to believe everyone who joins us on the train has something to teach us if we allow it to be so...which is a beautiful thought of seeing all those we've shared the journey with thus far. I too struggle with defining friendship. My own lack of finding a way to be the friend my heart desires often leaves me feeling badly which then results in me doing less...just being....allowing what comes....and letting what goes....with a sense of curiosity rather than trying to understand it. Instead of trying so hard these days, I've tried to just "flow" as Shannon described, but now upon reading how that can come across to others, it makes me question this approach.
I tink this is a really important conversation to hold. It might be another lost art in our current society due to many things, but I know I felt this deeply when reading your words about Shannon and how you both discussed friendship. Maybe not having enough time, energy, or role models keep us struggling to being better at friendship? Social media? A fear to discuss? Not knowing?
In anycase...you and Shannon sharing this experience is something I encourage you both to continue exploring...I am thinking it could benefit many.
I so love the train analogy. It really is perfect. Especially since Shannon has stepped off.... there won't be any more conversations about friendship or anything else. So it's up to those of us who are still here, still breathing and talking and riding, to keep working our way through these questions. I think Shannon would like knowing that was happening. That the conversations she started are being continued by others.
I’ve been hearing her laughter too. Your book, “The Illustrated Herbiary”, sits on my nightstand at her recommendation however many years ago that was. She spoke so very highly of you 💕
Do you know if there’s a funeral or memorial, Michelle? I can’t find anything online and don’t have E’s number.
There will be a virtual remembrance circle on June 20; see link for details 🕊️
https://everloved.com/life-of/shannon-thompson/funeral/?flow=201
thank you so much!
I have no words, but I do sympathize. My heart hurts for you. I am sending you so much love.
🙏💜🙏
So glad that Shannon is fine ❤️ and sorry for the loss of your other Shannon. Happy Witch Shannon has such a light - we are not friends and have not had any contact since years ago at Witch Camp but I am glad that I met her. Some people only pass through your life for a few moments but you feel the love.
Wait…. are you talking about “Happywitch” Shannon?
NO!!! Oh, geez, I should have realized people might think that! Shan's fine. :)
The finality of death is so difficult to deal with. It’s so hard to put into words the feelings. Pain and sadness but also joy for having had that person in your life. Keeping with you the all the conversations and the love you had for one another will always keep them alive in a way. The hurt never goes away, it just dulls a bit over time. Anything I say feels so inadequate. I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
Thank you. And thank you for being here.
Begin able to write this post-- to keep our conversations about friendship alive-- actually helped a lot and gave me even more clarity... like if the conversation is continuing then so is the friendship.
I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of Shannon. Thank you for this thoughtful post that has got me thinking about what a friend is. Thinking of you. X
I have been (for the past few years) so grateful Shannon and I explored this topic... I hadn't really thought about it since high school/college and was working off some outdated ideas.
I hope your memories with and of Shannon help comfort you in this season of grief ❤️ Thank you for sharing these raw emotions with us. What a treasure, the conversations you two had.
Every conversation was a treasure. I have a lot of smart, intuitive people in my life but she was truly on another level.
I am so sorry for your heartache. Thank you for knowing you can be who you are and where you are with us ❤️. RIP Shannon. The wild card.
Sounds like you knew Shannon, too?
Yes ♥️ she was an epic force unto herself. I met her in the first year she landed from Cali.
Oh, Maia, I am so very sorry that you lost Shannon. Friendship is a tricky thing sometimes. My best friend, who is like a sister to me, rarely calls. She's just not one to do that. It used to bother me that I was the one who made the calls, but we would get together when we could and she always made time for me when I called. Then twice in the last 2 years I was hospitalized and my friend came and stayed with my mother. Mom lives with me and cannot be alone, for a variety of reasons. My dear friend drove for more than an hour and spent a couple of weeks here each time to take care of my mom and to take care of me. After she left other friends drove me to appointments until I was able to drive. I don't know where I'd be without them, especially my sister of the heart.
That people express love in a myriad of ways has been one of the biggest lessons of my adulthood. I keep thinking about that book Love Languages (which I never actually read!) and the idea that we express love and give love in so many different ways. It's hard not to demand that someone love you in the exact way you express love to them. You are so lucky to have a sister-friend who shows up for you in this way.
Yes, I'm so grateful for her!
There are no words for loss are there? At least no words that seem to actually mean anything in the moment. I’m so sorry for your loss and grief and all the energy that goes into the grieving and our human ‘trying to find an answer’ to what we can’t know.
If I ‘had’ to say one thing that means the most to me in any friendship, be that human or other beings, I would say reciprocity. I don’t need or want any person to change who they are in their essence, rather I want to embrace them as they are in their truest self and if I’m honored to be welcomed into that sacred space I owe that honor reciprocity.
This! I have been grappling with the word reciprocity in friendships and how I and others have shown up. My perspective is that I do so much of the planning and arranging in friendships and it’s exhausting. As I step away to examine the relationships some of these friendships have died away and there is grief there. But I also notice how I show up in friendships dabbling in and out because sometimes it’s hard to manage friends and the demands of life. Moving forward with awareness and seeking reciprocity in the relationships in my life but also understanding everyone has their own way of showing up in the world.
yeeeesssss-- that is such a gorgeous, gorgeous way of phrasing it Jenny. Thank you.
Rest in peace, Shannon. You wild one. Thanks for the piece, Maia.
Thanks for your help with it, Kate. And for our renewed friendship. I was thinking about mistakes I won’t make, this time. xx
Xx too much to say in a box.
Maia, what an incredible share. I'm so sorry you lost your friend. And I’m so grateful you're sharing your friendship with us.
Thanks, Linda. What a strange, strange week its been.