I'm stingy with the word "friend." For me it has always held, deep in its beating heart, a certain level of commitment, a willingness to make time and space. But maybe I'm missing the point.
This was beautifully wrought, Maia. I am sorry for the loss of Shannon, and grateful for the thought you put into talking about the many nuances of friendship!
I've been sitting with this for a few days because it is a beautiful and important question and conversation. I'm so sorry for your loss and your heartache, Maia. Clearly, you had a meaningful relationship with Shannon that deepened your conversations, and her death has opened an opportunity for you to share them and expand your thinking and feeling about friendship. I have struggled with many of the same experiences readers have commented on here. Friends come and go as we move through life. I do believe true, healthy friendship is reciprocal, but not necessarily equal in how it is expressed. I have moved many times, so friends are geographically scattered, which makes it harder to maintain relationships in the same way as when they are nearby. But there are a few close friends who I know I can count on to come and be with me if ever I needed them here. Those are the people I consider my forever friends. Others were more important to me for the time in my life when I was near them. But the deepest, truest friends are those whom I can expose my most vulnerable self to and still count on them to support me in the way they feel is right - and I would do the same for them. I can count those friends on one hand. Friends allow you to be yourself and help you understand the world with deep conversation. So Shannon was a friend in that regard, I think. Friendship requires work and nurturing on both sides, just like marriage or any good relationship. It's active, not passive. Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts and for asking questions to help us think more deeply about life.
I think the definition and meaning of friends and friendship is something that isn't talked about enough. I can say that I've felt more heartbroken by some friends than I have from some of the romantic relationships I've been in. I've always been more of a ride-or-die girl, when it comes to friendships. I think that isn't always appreciated and, with lots of time and humility and reflection, I wonder if it has come off in a way that felt overbearing. I suppose I will never know. But when I love someone, it's an all-in situation. I don't bandy around the word.
In it's most child-like form, I suppose I just quantify my friendships as saying "this is my best friend" and then realizing I have like, eight. Not grammatically accurate, but I suppose it gets the point across in a very basic way?
I recently read somewhere that friendships are like passengers on a train, coming on and getting off at different stops in our life. Sometimes we get off together, sometimes we stay for the whole journey, and other times our friend reaches their stop and leaves us before we are ready.
I like to believe everyone who joins us on the train has something to teach us if we allow it to be so...which is a beautiful thought of seeing all those we've shared the journey with thus far. I too struggle with defining friendship. My own lack of finding a way to be the friend my heart desires often leaves me feeling badly which then results in me doing less...just being....allowing what comes....and letting what goes....with a sense of curiosity rather than trying to understand it. Instead of trying so hard these days, I've tried to just "flow" as Shannon described, but now upon reading how that can come across to others, it makes me question this approach.
I tink this is a really important conversation to hold. It might be another lost art in our current society due to many things, but I know I felt this deeply when reading your words about Shannon and how you both discussed friendship. Maybe not having enough time, energy, or role models keep us struggling to being better at friendship? Social media? A fear to discuss? Not knowing?
In anycase...you and Shannon sharing this experience is something I encourage you both to continue exploring...I am thinking it could benefit many.
I’ve been hearing her laughter too. Your book, “The Illustrated Herbiary”, sits on my nightstand at her recommendation however many years ago that was. She spoke so very highly of you 💕
So glad that Shannon is fine ❤️ and sorry for the loss of your other Shannon. Happy Witch Shannon has such a light - we are not friends and have not had any contact since years ago at Witch Camp but I am glad that I met her. Some people only pass through your life for a few moments but you feel the love.
I’m so sorry to hear about the sudden loss of Shannon. I hope that all of the fun, silly, sweet memories are the ones that eventually stand out the most. It’s wonderful you have conversations in writing, it’s a gift to be able to feel who she was through her words. *Hugs*
The finality of death is so difficult to deal with. It’s so hard to put into words the feelings. Pain and sadness but also joy for having had that person in your life. Keeping with you the all the conversations and the love you had for one another will always keep them alive in a way. The hurt never goes away, it just dulls a bit over time. Anything I say feels so inadequate. I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
I am such a deep friend - one of those ones who messages good morning and remembers things.. ugghhh - but how many can we have?? And finding the ones who are reciprocal in their capacity to tend ... friendships are such a tricky navigation I find it so much easier to wander the garden and talk to whomever comes in that day ... this as you well know doesnt make dealing with loss any easier as it's all so fluid out there, the birds bees leaves -all briefly with us, yet at the same time continually breathtaking in witnessing the seasonal return that for me are always families of those who once buzzed by ..
I hope your memories with and of Shannon help comfort you in this season of grief ❤️ Thank you for sharing these raw emotions with us. What a treasure, the conversations you two had.
Oh, Maia, I am so very sorry that you lost Shannon. Friendship is a tricky thing sometimes. My best friend, who is like a sister to me, rarely calls. She's just not one to do that. It used to bother me that I was the one who made the calls, but we would get together when we could and she always made time for me when I called. Then twice in the last 2 years I was hospitalized and my friend came and stayed with my mother. Mom lives with me and cannot be alone, for a variety of reasons. My dear friend drove for more than an hour and spent a couple of weeks here each time to take care of my mom and to take care of me. After she left other friends drove me to appointments until I was able to drive. I don't know where I'd be without them, especially my sister of the heart.
There are no words for loss are there? At least no words that seem to actually mean anything in the moment. I’m so sorry for your loss and grief and all the energy that goes into the grieving and our human ‘trying to find an answer’ to what we can’t know.
If I ‘had’ to say one thing that means the most to me in any friendship, be that human or other beings, I would say reciprocity. I don’t need or want any person to change who they are in their essence, rather I want to embrace them as they are in their truest self and if I’m honored to be welcomed into that sacred space I owe that honor reciprocity.
This was beautifully wrought, Maia. I am sorry for the loss of Shannon, and grateful for the thought you put into talking about the many nuances of friendship!
I've been sitting with this for a few days because it is a beautiful and important question and conversation. I'm so sorry for your loss and your heartache, Maia. Clearly, you had a meaningful relationship with Shannon that deepened your conversations, and her death has opened an opportunity for you to share them and expand your thinking and feeling about friendship. I have struggled with many of the same experiences readers have commented on here. Friends come and go as we move through life. I do believe true, healthy friendship is reciprocal, but not necessarily equal in how it is expressed. I have moved many times, so friends are geographically scattered, which makes it harder to maintain relationships in the same way as when they are nearby. But there are a few close friends who I know I can count on to come and be with me if ever I needed them here. Those are the people I consider my forever friends. Others were more important to me for the time in my life when I was near them. But the deepest, truest friends are those whom I can expose my most vulnerable self to and still count on them to support me in the way they feel is right - and I would do the same for them. I can count those friends on one hand. Friends allow you to be yourself and help you understand the world with deep conversation. So Shannon was a friend in that regard, I think. Friendship requires work and nurturing on both sides, just like marriage or any good relationship. It's active, not passive. Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts and for asking questions to help us think more deeply about life.
I think the definition and meaning of friends and friendship is something that isn't talked about enough. I can say that I've felt more heartbroken by some friends than I have from some of the romantic relationships I've been in. I've always been more of a ride-or-die girl, when it comes to friendships. I think that isn't always appreciated and, with lots of time and humility and reflection, I wonder if it has come off in a way that felt overbearing. I suppose I will never know. But when I love someone, it's an all-in situation. I don't bandy around the word.
In it's most child-like form, I suppose I just quantify my friendships as saying "this is my best friend" and then realizing I have like, eight. Not grammatically accurate, but I suppose it gets the point across in a very basic way?
I recently read somewhere that friendships are like passengers on a train, coming on and getting off at different stops in our life. Sometimes we get off together, sometimes we stay for the whole journey, and other times our friend reaches their stop and leaves us before we are ready.
I like to believe everyone who joins us on the train has something to teach us if we allow it to be so...which is a beautiful thought of seeing all those we've shared the journey with thus far. I too struggle with defining friendship. My own lack of finding a way to be the friend my heart desires often leaves me feeling badly which then results in me doing less...just being....allowing what comes....and letting what goes....with a sense of curiosity rather than trying to understand it. Instead of trying so hard these days, I've tried to just "flow" as Shannon described, but now upon reading how that can come across to others, it makes me question this approach.
I tink this is a really important conversation to hold. It might be another lost art in our current society due to many things, but I know I felt this deeply when reading your words about Shannon and how you both discussed friendship. Maybe not having enough time, energy, or role models keep us struggling to being better at friendship? Social media? A fear to discuss? Not knowing?
In anycase...you and Shannon sharing this experience is something I encourage you both to continue exploring...I am thinking it could benefit many.
I’ve been hearing her laughter too. Your book, “The Illustrated Herbiary”, sits on my nightstand at her recommendation however many years ago that was. She spoke so very highly of you 💕
I have no words, but I do sympathize. My heart hurts for you. I am sending you so much love.
So glad that Shannon is fine ❤️ and sorry for the loss of your other Shannon. Happy Witch Shannon has such a light - we are not friends and have not had any contact since years ago at Witch Camp but I am glad that I met her. Some people only pass through your life for a few moments but you feel the love.
I’m so sorry to hear about the sudden loss of Shannon. I hope that all of the fun, silly, sweet memories are the ones that eventually stand out the most. It’s wonderful you have conversations in writing, it’s a gift to be able to feel who she was through her words. *Hugs*
Wait…. are you talking about “Happywitch” Shannon?
The finality of death is so difficult to deal with. It’s so hard to put into words the feelings. Pain and sadness but also joy for having had that person in your life. Keeping with you the all the conversations and the love you had for one another will always keep them alive in a way. The hurt never goes away, it just dulls a bit over time. Anything I say feels so inadequate. I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of Shannon. Thank you for this thoughtful post that has got me thinking about what a friend is. Thinking of you. X
I am such a deep friend - one of those ones who messages good morning and remembers things.. ugghhh - but how many can we have?? And finding the ones who are reciprocal in their capacity to tend ... friendships are such a tricky navigation I find it so much easier to wander the garden and talk to whomever comes in that day ... this as you well know doesnt make dealing with loss any easier as it's all so fluid out there, the birds bees leaves -all briefly with us, yet at the same time continually breathtaking in witnessing the seasonal return that for me are always families of those who once buzzed by ..
I hope your memories with and of Shannon help comfort you in this season of grief ❤️ Thank you for sharing these raw emotions with us. What a treasure, the conversations you two had.
I am so sorry for your heartache. Thank you for knowing you can be who you are and where you are with us ❤️. RIP Shannon. The wild card.
Oh, Maia, I am so very sorry that you lost Shannon. Friendship is a tricky thing sometimes. My best friend, who is like a sister to me, rarely calls. She's just not one to do that. It used to bother me that I was the one who made the calls, but we would get together when we could and she always made time for me when I called. Then twice in the last 2 years I was hospitalized and my friend came and stayed with my mother. Mom lives with me and cannot be alone, for a variety of reasons. My dear friend drove for more than an hour and spent a couple of weeks here each time to take care of my mom and to take care of me. After she left other friends drove me to appointments until I was able to drive. I don't know where I'd be without them, especially my sister of the heart.
There are no words for loss are there? At least no words that seem to actually mean anything in the moment. I’m so sorry for your loss and grief and all the energy that goes into the grieving and our human ‘trying to find an answer’ to what we can’t know.
If I ‘had’ to say one thing that means the most to me in any friendship, be that human or other beings, I would say reciprocity. I don’t need or want any person to change who they are in their essence, rather I want to embrace them as they are in their truest self and if I’m honored to be welcomed into that sacred space I owe that honor reciprocity.